One Hour. One Memory. Blessed.

Nivaan didn't come to school today..
Myra trotted about like a peacock with a "Because you're worth it" that will have Aishwarya Rai awwing all the way home. She introduced me to her cat that lives under her chair. We named her Kitty and played with her. Kitty doesn't live with her parents under her chair because Myra is her Daddy.

Devyansh was unhappy because he wanted to go home. But he's promised me he'll have fun at the Christmas party and learn newer dance moves.

Divit finally does his dance move well. Not cutting his eye out anymore. Ranvir won't stop eating his words but that's not his fault, just all the excitement he's stuffed with.

Utkarsh faced a big problem. "But I'm not a hero. I do nothing!" But he doesn't get tired after school AND classes. Kairah and I do though. Where does he get all his energy from? "From my muscles!" There, he's a hero! He also runs like wind! Better still, he's an actor and he can ACT like he loves dance really well!
Kiarah is not scared of me any longer. Bumbling and Gigbling and Laughing, she's a buttercup!

Avan's dolphin is hell-bent on wishing him a merry Christmas. He also solemnly agrees that we need to save water though
All Agastya and Shiven want to do is pet Mr. Puppy, the imaginery dog I made up on the vacant chair. Aadya and Miraya now have learnt all of their song.

Jaivardhan makes my day though. He's the one who needs no prompting (all hail Kuldeep) but is damn worried that he'll forget all his lines during the holidays. So I pick him up and make him stand in front of the window to show him how to mirror his lines. He's so excited, he refuses to get down from my arms and now wants to look into every glass there is. "Show me that glass" "That glass?" All the while he's laughing music.

I have kept Reyansh and Nevae for the last. They feel betrayed when I don't call them out first but forget it soon. I'm running late so I think I'll quickly get done with them and leave. But they won't let me do that. They come with hilarious stories about everything they see that start with an apple a day. Nevae is mad Reyansh didn't share his beach ball with her once but Reyansh defends that he was only a baby back then. Why be mad about it now? Nevae says this was yesterday.
They make up and start prancing about the lawn hand in hand. I don't want to leave. Maybe they've sensed that? All I want to do is give them a quick hug but a Maushi is standing them urging to go back. I wave a good bye to all but they're preoccupied with dance. I wish their teacher a good show and thank the nice gatekeeper before I leave, but not without a lump in my throat. Thank you, Revati.

A Throwback Page From A Forgotten Diary

It's 3 weeks since the last page. I'm sitting in the staffroom at Gumpha Rd English Medium School, where I'm interning my first term.
Life changes so rapidly almost everyday. 3 weeks ago I was a different person than I am today. Exams had just began and I was a wreck. Today I'm not sorted either but even if I am a wreck, it's one with different issues right now. Besides, wrecks are interesting. Rusty ships with a tingling of life left in them creating ripples and bubbles in a place where no one even sees them.
But I'm going of topic here. I don't even know why I'm writing this right now because I'm pretty emotionless. After a large amount of time, I've reached that point again where I don't care if the ropes of things are or aren't in my hands. I actually don't even see the ropes right now. For a while, I'm okay with life continuing to be on the settings I set it on last time I pulled the ropes. Internships, SIMC, Thespo, AmyGos, Friendships, Love, Truths, Poetry, Thoughts, Feelings, Writing, Talking, Moving, Watching stuff it's all like I want it to be at the moment.
But it is also true that I know something is missing. It's not something I can put my finger on. Reciprocation of Love? Maybe. A not-so-packed schedule? Maybe. I don't know. I also know it's not something I can figure out. It will strike me at a point of time suddenly. Until then, I'll make peace with the feeling of incompleteness. Until then, I'll make peace with it with an abstract piece? Maybe.

A Page Out Of The Diary I Fail To Write

I'm sleeping with a bunch of notes under my pillow. No, not a superstition. But as I gave up on Studying yet again, I figured Under my pillow would be better place than scattered on the bathroom floor, my spot of studying. If the superstition were to work, even better.
It's about 10 days until Home. I had my share of "Can't Believe The Semester's Over" but truth is, I saw the Semester go by. When the days end slowly, the year goes quicker. When the days wind up like wind, the year feels like it lasted a decade. And the EndSem has slowed down painfully. I'm already pinning to go back to Mumbai. To Home, to Thespo, to some free time, to productivity and of course, to the internships.

Another thing on my mind now is Ashutosh Gowarikar's EVEREST. Starting today on Star Plus, I hope it keeps up with the expectations that the first episode gave me. A good plot, good casting, good scripting and above everything, the mountains. God knows when I'm going to see Snow Topped Mountains again? Soon I hope. Because every sight of the frozen mountains melts me. Why, I don't know. I couldn't even climb the Brigu as far as I would have liked to. I don't want to analyze it. All I want to do, is live it.

Two Compliments

I'm blogging after months. More than Three, I suppose. A lot has changed in these three-four months, right from Me to Everything around me. I'm in a different city, a different stage of life and a different state and of mind. I've tried smoking, hookah and even weed in these past months. My ideas about everything have changed drastically. I've stopped posting on Facebook and I've slipped out of the conventional modes of friendships. I no longer 'make sure I fit in' in Groups and Gangs. I've learnt to find solace in company as much as I always found in solitude and I've learnt to find satisfaction in being loved rather than popular.

A lot has been achieved in the last few months- a small award, a little recognition, a different spirituality, newer friendships, newer knowledge and abundant love. But there's two particular incidents that stand apart, and will stay with me for as long as possible. Simple sentences with the most incredible recall value.

About a month ago, the Mumbai University was hosting it's Youth Festival and I had made it a point to attend the Dramatics finals. It was after months that I was meeting friends like Chandralekha and Jay, who are all busy in their own paths of progress. On the second day of the visit, as I was bidding goodbye to Jay, he said "Kalpak, iss baar bohot achha change dekha tere mein Bachhi. This is good, aise hi reh."
I had not made a conscious effort of any kind. I was being myself as I always am. And yet, this sentence that I replied with just a smile, brought along a very warm feeling with it.

The second was a week ago. I had met up with another friend from Mumbai, Shaunak (who contrastingly I keep meeting all the time) in Pune. In the flow of a very general conversation Shaunak mentioned how great it was that despite not hanging out all the time now we still managed to have the same connect whenever we meet up. It was a passing comment that I soon forgot. But a couple of days later, that comment came back to me and I had that same feeling of warmth.

Both Jay and Shaunak are smashing human beings that I've always looked up too. Above everything they are nice and genuine people and many a times, I find myself trying to be more and more like them. In this changed life, I've adopted newer social principles than I had about 6 months ago. I've made sure that my social agenda is not 'making friends' but 'being friendly'. For a while, evolving has become my main propaganda. But in the ever-changing environment I find around me, I sometimes end up questioning these conscious decisions. What if I find myself lonely one day? Sure, today I feel included with whoever I hang out with but what if one day I go on to feeling excluded everywhere?

But it's small events like these that tell me I'm on the right path. That making friends comes naturally to me, learning is what I need to have my focus on. I'm here for three full years and I need to evolve as much as I can. The rest comes hand in hand.

Love Withdrawal

There's no limitations to how easily you can fall in love. I for one, fall in love almost everyday. With people I meet, with friends, with scenes, with songs and with situations. And once you fall in love, it's easy to to never fall out of it. I myself always tend to get possessive and protective about the things that I am in love with. I hate to see that person getting hurt and I hate to see a perspective I love getting manipulated.

But life doesn't fall in love with you as quickly as you fall in love with life. Quick attachments are dangerous. Attachment with Nature is subjected to Calamities and attachment to People is subjected to Calamities of changing nature.

I would love to always stay in love once I fall in it. But sadly, that's the bad part. You can't. You needed to keep yourself gaurded. You need to make sure that the amount of love you have for somebody isn't all displayed. Fall in love sure, but don't pronounce it and never proclaim it.

I'm in that phase right now. I'm pulling back from those new loves. Because no matter how much I love them and how much they love me back, they're still new. They're not tested. And I need to return to my basic loves, those that have been making their place in my heart for a long time now...

Caring Apprehensive

How okay is caring a lot about someone? When does it become not okay?
It's something we rarely think about. If someone is not okay with you caring too much, the person is probably not worth it. Or that's what we generally assume.

As a normal person we often care a lot more than we make obvious. It's okay to do that as long as it's not harming someone. As long as it's not hurting yourself.

Case in point here is the cigarette incident. Now, I have a lot of smoker friends. I might be a passive smoker too. I am against smoking as a principle and I don't judge people because they smoke. But having said that, I have immense hatred for smoking. Not smokers, mind you, but smoking itself. And so I was obviously pissed when I saw a couple of my friends take a puff for the first time and then go about it like it's nothing new or out of the box. I tried not to be visibly upset about it and I almost succeeded too. I didn't want to impose my opinion on anyone. Heck, I didn't even want to express it! And hence I attempted to slip away unnoticed when the just-puffed friend caught up with me. She started with "it's our life" and "boundaries" until she realized that as a matter of fact, I hadn't said anything at all.

But yes I was upset. I was upset when she did it. I was upset when my other friend, who had said that he would never touch a cigarette in his life and said it minutes ago did it. I was madly angry at the friend who held out a cigarette to them like he had done to me a few months ago. I was angry when another friend who I had tried to force to stop smoking waved two boxes of cigarettes in front of me.

The point here is not cigarettes. The point is whether it's okay to care so much and then if it's okay to display that care or no.

I'm writing this post so that in the future I can look back nd see that I'm not smoking too. I'm writing this post so that I can look back when I get hurt after I care a lot for someone. To tell myself that it is Infact okay. You don't choose to love your friends so much. You just do it. And you do it without being apprehensive about it.

Spinning Yarns

It was the summer of 2014 and I had just finished my HSC exams.  I was in a happy stage in life, socially and otherwise. I had accumulated a great set of friends, apart from my Roha people in the year gone by. There was the hope that we would stay friends throughout our lives, and there was an intention to keep that promise. But like I said kids, it was the Summer of 2014. There was still a long way to go.

***

I am at the wedding of a same-aged cousin. I have no idea who the cousin is going to marry. I walk around aimlessly hoping to get out of there as soon as I can. Lunch is set and that’s my chance to slip away. I go to pick up my backpack from the chair where it is resting. But a tall, burly man dressed in an Orange Kurta is standing leaning against that chair. I excuse myself to interrupt his conversation to pick up my bag. He turns around and a time span passes by. I can’t believe my eyes.

“Shaunak? Hi! What are you doing here!”

“Hey! I’m related to this spouse-to-be.”

“Oh! I’m related to the other spouse to be. Long time, man! How are you? Moumita? Are you guys still..”

Shaunak smiles.

***

“Dude. We really need some celeb or someone to be a part of this project.” A person at my work place says. “All those we can rope in are brainless fashion icons! We can’t have those. We need something like a talented director or a socially aware actor maybe.”

“What about that guy?” Another colleague says. “You went to college with him didn’t you?”

“Yeah. He’s one of the finest Writer-Directors we have in the country! And everyone loves him too!”

“I don’t know man” I say. “College was years ago. It’s awkward to call and ask like that. Nope, I can’t do it!”

“Pchh. Fine, you think of somebody then!”

I’m blankly staring at the phone. Should I call? The Contact Name “Amatya Goradia” is staring back at me from the screen.

***

The house is exactly how I expected it to be. There’re shelves and shelves of books around the walls. There’s a writing table and a wooden chair and the pen on the writing table is neatly placed in a shiny pen stand. She looks exactly like I had imagined her to be too. There was no space for imagination actually. Her photos kept popping up in newspaper reports, Sunday columns and book covers. Not a wrinkle more on the forehead beneath just slightly grizzled locks. The Smiles and the Spectacles intact and hair tied neatly in a bun. And her sense of humour is still in the same place.

“Got married, did ya?” I ask.

“Honestly, you meet me after years and that’s the first question that comes to your mind?” says Reva.

“Alright Revati Deshpande, shoot. How’s life treating you?”

***

I am just browsing through the newspaper, old and wrinkled that gets delivered in the hospital room.

“See this doctor, who just received this award for his service?” I show the kind nurse. “I used to be friends with him in college. Apna Bachhi he was.”

“Why don’t you get treated from him then?” The nurse smiles. “He didn’t specialize in the area you need, I know. Dr. Amit Paroha. You tell me that story everytime, Mr. Oldman.”

“Let an old man spin his yarns in peace then, young lady.” I smile back at her as I turn the page. The obituary turns up. There’s written in Bold Letters – HONOURING THE MEMORY OF LATE MRS. SHRADDHA PATIL. I whimper out loud. The nurse looks over my shoulders.

“Wasn’t she your college friend too? I remember you telling me about her.” She says.

“No. She got married and changed her surname. This is some othe Mrs. Shraddha Patil. I wish I had kept in touch with her. She was a great friend to have.”

“But didn’t you end up fighting with her during college itself?” the nurse asks.

“Yeah. But we became friends later that year too.”

“But then you  hated each other again after some time?”

“No, no! We became friends every time we fought. All 7 times.”

The nurse laughs. “Why did you fight seven times?”

“Because 7 is a nice number. Pataa nahi aaj sabki itni yaad kyun aa rahi hai.”

“Aaj? I have to hear about them every single day!”

“Then there was Omkar.” I am oblivious to her comment “Omkar Kulkarni. Bitch had promised me he would play the lead in a play I wrote one day.”

“Then?” the nurse asks. This story is new to her as well. “He didn’t act in it?”

“I never wrote that play.” I smile to myself. The nurse picks up her tray and leaves me to my thoughts and yarns.

***

We all intended to keep that promise, kids. But like I said- It was still 2014. I had spun this yarn in 2014. There was still a long way to go.