Fucker, yeah!

It's been a weird 24 hours.

A. How am I writing a Blog again?

It's because of a random girl who lives in Bangalore, who I am never going to meet in my life, have never spoken to, nothing. She reminded me how exciting it is to put stuff out there on the internet, not worrying about long it is, not wondering who will read it, except people you link it to. I don't link. I don't think people I link actually read. Except this one other girl who thought I was going to quiz her once she read the blog.

B. I actually sat by myself for a good 8 hours.

Okay, I slept through like three of them to be perfectly honest. But hey, I didn't flip. I didn't feel the 'incessant need' to be around somebody or message somebody just to strike a conversation. Instead I watched AIB's new show. Please, I like it.

C. I picked up a dead rat.

It was traumatic. As my broom touched its dead body and I felt its stiff body move towards the polythene bag, I whimpered out loud from behind the makeshift mask. Then the rat body wouldn't go inside the huge huge polythene and just sat there amidst the folds. My whimpering didn't stop as I pushed it with the broom, tied the bag shut, ran out of the house and until I met a kind cleaning lady who took over the bag from me.
I got called a BABY when I recounted this story, and then a friend beautifully put together 'picking up a dead rat' as a metaphor for growing up.

D. I said no to Smoking up.

Yep, around 23 hours and 23 minutes ago, I was at the Birthday Party of a guy who I have constantly been smoking up with for the last four months. Yet somehow smoking up didn't seem like something I should do at that point and hey, we know saying No to a rolled joint is as painfulas it is mannerless.

E. I feel good.

Not an everyday thing, is that now? Especially in Pune, who would've thought? I'm meeting people, I am feeling happy about meeting them, I am getting nice things said to me. Maybe I can get through this term. Maybe I will.

So my year generally lasts Thespo to Thespo, yeah? When I say 2014 was an amazing year, it started out with at Thespo 15, with the EQ happening and what not. When I say 2015 sucked, let's not talk about Falls 2-11.
But given how I feel at this point, all I can say is this. Bring It On, 2016.
I'll have good shit to show you by the end of this. Fucker yeah.

Glass

So you know how for everyone we know there's a glass in our head?
It's a popculture theory, one from 'How I Met Your Mother' in that one particular episode where everytime somebody realizes something new (and sucky) about someone around them they hear a glass crash which basically means it's something they can never unsee.
I assume for most people this glass is a bottle of rum. For me it's a huge pane (and pain). Here's why:

I am a major asshole. When the glass crashes (I swear, I hear it happen), it leaves me very awkward and uncomfortable. Also even though saying it makes me hollower, it leaves me detached.  Now given that I generally fall head over heels in love with the new bonds I make and go through a routine of mild depression when I have to part, this is either really OOC or amazingly bipolar of me. I don't mean to do it, but let's face it I'm extremely blunt and truthful in life. If I like you, I'll go out of my way to let you know- shamelessly and even  creepily as a dear friend once told me. But if I dislike you and am forced to hang around you still, there is no way you're not getting a whiff of my displeasure of your company. It's not something I'm very proud of when it hurts people but I often give myself the right to decide who had it coming.

One of the major reasons of the glasscrash is when the person in front of me turns out or starts acting lame. That's ironic considering I'm so lame myself (especially when I'm high) but the absolute lack of a person to have a decent conversation is what breaks the deal with these people. Just bad jokes is fine, I appreciate them. People who laugh at their own jokes when nobody else does is a big no-no. There's a friend I had for about two-three years until I realized how lame he acts in a crowd and CRASH. I've tried my best to mend it but it's never been the same since. There's also people I've completely distanced myself from post the glass crash and left them wondering what went wrong. Like my first girlfriend.
(Again, this is not something I'm proud of. I suck and I accept that and I know I shouldn't be doing this to people.)

Some people do manage to survive the glass crash though and I can proudly say that two of my closest friends today are someone who's glasscrash I looked past. My glasses are fragile things, extra-fragile in fact because it doesn't take much for them to collapse.

It's not like the glass can't be rebuilt. I had a friend who would hurl at the glass like she was in a bowling alley and everytime I would gather the pieces and create a marred but still complete version of the glass. It doesn't exactly work. In the end I had to run a bulldozer over it.

There's been times I have had the chance to be gifted a whole new glass a few months post the breaking. These are people I have gone on the really like, hate and then love. In times like these then, I'm really grateful of my shortcomings because they give rise to something much beautiful. This friend I heard something really annoying and stupid about yesterday is one such person. But I heard that thing, it was like two tiny people who walked into my mind at the same time, lifted the glass pane and just gave me 'Please, we're taking this away' look before walking out.

This other friend I recently made had to leave for another city in two weeks and the good part was, that he left before the glass crashed. It kind of puts a good tag on me missing the guy because it takes away the opportunity of being an ass from me.

Now here's the friend I really want to talk about. She and I have been friends for three years. She and I fight about once a year customarily. She is the most significant thing in my life, much over my own mother and the girl I love. She is all the right things to me.
If she has a glass I've never seen it. It's probably completely transparent AND permeable. As well as bullet proof. It's a glass I wish I could have for everyone. And yet I know, what I have with her, I can't have with anyone in the world.
After two months of barely seeing her at all, I saw her for two whole days from day before. Laughed until my stomach hurt, cried, got high, met a random friend and laughed with him, went to Prithvi, had too many cigarettes, laughed some more - you know the drill. I had been super-extra-low for the last four to five days. Like a lot. Maybe it's the year end, maybe it's the end of too many good things, maybe it's the realization of the too many good things I had and continue to have.
And yet there I was, sitting in a rickshaw, the cold cold wind on my face, on the western express highway, right after I had dropped her home. There I was, breathing free, no knot in my stomach, no incessant need to look at my phone, just smiling like an idiot.
All thanks to the bullet-proof, permeable glass.

The Truth of Poems at Dawnbreak

Early mornings, a poem comes to me
Stripped of all poetic pretences
Brutally honest words stringed together
In strictly tautological sentences

Truths I had hidden from my own self
Opinions not bundled in lies
Selfish mistakes and naked egos
Owning up to broken ties

This poem looks at me with me
With a certain sympathy in her eyes
She knows I'm not strong enough to write,
Retreats; leaving me with comforting lies

The Lost God

I had a God
Now I have empty conversations
He's still there
Under piles of reluctance and unfortunate accusations

I'd share dreams
And ideas and germs that could turn into might
I'd block expectations
And yet there was a belief; that he could only do right

A pack of cards on thin ice
I'm treading lightly, God probably thinks all's okay
At the tip of the iceberg sure,
But right below, faith has started on it's own decay

God still wants to be there
It's my love, my religion that's fraud
For I thought stones were humans
And humans, deities. I thought I had a God.

Crappy

So just btw, this poem has literally nothing to do with any sort of heartbreak I went through. Literally nothing. I wouldn't lie if it it did.
Here:

I lived in a world called happy
You were there too, for infinite time
I left for selfishness went out of vogue
I left that happy in it's prime

My castle of cards crumbled
Your mistakes got you left behind
You're still happy in your world
I'm the one wishing I could rewind

We'll laugh and cry in different worlds
I live in a different kind of happy
We smile at each other's plight
And cry at our own ones, crappy.

The Circle of Getting and Letting Go

Main phir wahi hu.
Samander ke kinare, thandi ret par nange paav.
Mere haath mein khaali panno se bhari
Ek kitaab hai.
Main chal raha hu, panne gir rahe hai.

Har khaali panne par kuch baat hai.
Na jaane kisne likhi hai, na jaane kaun padhega.
Panna panna jab girta hai,
Har baat dhue si sarak jaati hai.
Shaayad kabhi nazdik na aane keliye.
Har panna ab mere har kadam ka nishaan ban raha hai,
Bewafa ret par.

Kitaab ke aakhri panne par shaayad Buddhism ka koi chapter likha thaa kabhi shaayad.
Attachments ke baare kuch baatein thi.
Insaano ki baat ho magar toh, saala Buddhism ki har philosophy bhaad mein jaati hai.

Main phir wahi hu.

Gatekeeper

There's the sea, and then there's a gate
Locked and keeping you away from the shore
Bars that don't deny a view of the sea
And yet keep the waters away from me.

I've spent years sitting by this gate
Wondering when I can go past
I didn't initially question the barrier
But recently the why of it is slightly getting clear

So they didn't want me to directly look
At a topless Dimple Kapadia standing at the Sagar Kinaare
It's not sanskaari,
Its not the purest form of beauty?
But somehow 'Samundar me nahaake aur bhi namkeen ho gayi ho' was fine
They didn't have a problem with me overhearing that line

My parents, the government, the society
The normal, the educated, the righty
The powerful, the strong, the mighty

I wonder what so exists that you'd stop a freeq thinking individual from going to the beach
The golden sands of time?
The humind winds of change?
Or just the new waves that arrive everyday
And bring with them thoughts they find alien and strange?

The wave that comes in from the left,
The wave that comes in from the right
Or the broken heads of Ganpanti idols
That Bob in and out of sight

Maybe they're just worried that broken pieces of glass from old beer bottle will slowly kill my feet
Of course there's danger of me getting the scandalous idea of maybe trying to clean the beach?

The sea is edging closer now, my feet are wet
They know their efforts are failing
So now they have kept a watchman at the gates
To make sure I don't climb over the railings.

If Only Joy Cast Shadows

You know how grief leaves shadows?
Dukh ki parchaiyya?
What hurts more than them
Are the shadows cast of exiled happiness.
"Sukh ke saaye"

If these sukh ke saaye had a personification,
They would probably look like a giggly girl.
And smell of soil fresh after rain
Like the newly painted oars of boats that have just set sail.

Like the girl, they feel warm to be around
Put a smile on your face, remind you of a crush
And smile at you like flowers on that fragrant smile
Until you stamp on them amidst a mad rush.

Because that's when you see that the soil is now mud
Mud that gets upturned as the oars hit the waters
The oars get dirty, the girl turns bitchy
And the sails get shorter.

Once again the smiles turn to tears
And the memories get overcome by woes
It's at these moments when you see why
The Sukh ke saaye were better off as shadows..

Cycle

Dhundli raasto mein paav thakk hi gaye thhe
Ki raste par lawaaris si ek cycle mili
Pehle khayaal aaya apni nahi hai,
Agle hi pal mein meri ban gayi

Bohot saadi si cycle hai
Na gear na, na koi fancy brand
Sirf ek headlight hai
Aur uski adequate si roshni

Ye cycle tumhaare kadam naapti nahi
Tum thak jao toh judge nahi karti
Aur achaanak se thaki hui safar
Ek tehel ban gayi hai.

Cycle ke pahiye chalte rehte hai
Uski headlight jalti rehti hai
Kahaa jaana hai ab tak khabar nahi
Lekin tyre ke nishaan se raaste ban rahe hai

Aisa nahi hai ki jor kam daalna padta hai
Magar raaste ki dhund thodi bikhar rahi hai
Woh aaye na aaye, manzil ab pataa toh hai
Maalom nahi thaa par cycle ki jaroorat thhi.

Metamorphosis

One day, the world will wake up and realize that it has changed.
You can find yourself to be degraded, with something simple like a bukhaar or some sort of psychological disease.
Ya phir ek Pokémon ki tarah tum evolve hote ho, vikasit hote ho, you wake up and suddenly you're smarter or a better person. Maybe a superhuman. You're batman.

Writer Franz Kafka tells you, 'you're an insect'
Gregory Samsa of his book Metamorphosis turns into an insect.

Ab uska ye nayaa roop achha hai ya bura? Sach puchho toh koi fark nahi padta. Kyunki change chaahe jo bhi ho, sach toh ye hai ki tum badal chuke ho. Tum alag ho gaye ho. Duniya se bhi aur duniyawaalo se bhi.

There will be a mother who tries to treat you the same and thus insult the fact that you're not the same as others.
There will be a father, a strained relationship and an image of everything you don't want to be. He'll be grateful you didn't turn out to be like him, but he'll resent the fact that you are much better.
There will be a friend who starts with choosing who you were over what you've become and then go on to hate that choice.

Point is, tumhe treat toh alag hi karenge.
Kyunki duniya aksar 'alag' aur 'paagal' inn shabdon mein gaflat kar deti hai.
You are what you become.
Thus, you are what you are.
Paulo Coelho tells you "Collective madness is called sanity"
And thus, "Individual intelligence is termed as insanity"

Franz Kafka tells you, "you're an insect".

Nichli Manzil

Ki ek din sab pighal jaayega,
Aur upar ki aasam ko sawaarne waale
Nichli manjhilo mein khataa milegi,
Ki jab khushiyaan thi, khone ke darr se unhe jee na paaye..

Buss Ab Yahi Zindagi

Ek ghar hai, mera nahi
Ek dost hai, ek aur dost ki,
Thode surr, thoda dhuaa
Hasee, dard ki aahat, dawaa.

Ek gali, kuch metro stations pare
Kuch seedhiyan, aur baatein
Aur waqt ke thehrne ki spriha,
Aisa ishq, gavaane ka darr- rihaa

Ek darwaaza Prithvi ka, jannat ka
Kholo toh roopak ho, jeene ka
Iske aar bhi karm, kaushal, kala hai
Iske paar bhi taalim hai, leela hai

Ek gaadi hai, chhoti, yaadon se bhari
Aur yahi bani hai agli disha
Lafz tole hai, khayaal hai parkhe
Samundar ore chalte hai charkhe.

Ab buss, yahi meri zindagi hai...

August

I moved into a new street,
A new block and opened with small talk.
The first few eras I stayed inside unpacking, writing letters,
Notifying my new address.
Then I went out and looked at the houses.
Some merry, some pretty, some still had their Christmas lights on.
I wandered into a party, smiled and exchanged pleasantries.
I visited a couple of neighbor,
Fell in love with them, laughed and held them while they threw up.
Some houses were dark inside, I tried to pinch some flames.
Some houses reverberate with good talk, and yet only had smoke coming from their chimneys.
Then one day, I stopped.
I wondered what went wrong, why those houses that felt so welcoming,
Suddenly had a stone cold flooring.
I bit my tongue and wondered why,
Those Christmas lights made me wanted to go back.
Until I realised that it's August. And high time those came down.
I look for a feeling like home,
And I went to the houses I liked best.
But now that I know what's inside,
I see I've just been knocking the wrong doors.

Sach Thaa Jab Socha Thaa

Ek sach bhi thaa jab socha thaa
Ki duniya aisi chalti hai
Aur rishte aise bante hai
Aur zakhm aise bharte hai

Sach thaa utna hi jaana thaa
Aur ab itna hi jaana hai
Toh kal gine sikko se yakeenat
Aaj tair hai kam niklenge

Mudu toh saaya kabhi ghanaa na
Dhoop mein thoda andhera hai
Jab dhoop nahi thi, andhera thaa
Ussi ki bani chali hai parchai

Ek sach bhi thaa jab socha thaa
Ki ab sabkuch samajtaa hai
Aur chupaaya toh yu sajtaa hai
Aur rakha hua phir ganjta hai

Ek sach bhi thaa jab sochaa tha
Maloom tabhi buss utna thaa
Maloom abhi bass itna hai
Kya guzarta, kyaa nikharta
Jab har pal kuch maloom hota hai

Aur sach bhi kyaa jo maane woh
Aur sach bhi kyaa jo sunna hai
Tab ka main aur ab ka ye buss
Kal ke kisi se mil paaye..

Saadhi Si Kahaani

Samundar ke paas thami raatein
Sorted chhod ke sab kuch lagti hai
Kabhi sehmi, kabhi roothi
Kabhi begaane shor mein ye raatein jagti hai

Aise kinaaron mein kabhi koi
Ek puraani aadat sunaade
Andar dabi parchaiyaan
Behte avsar mein sunaade

Beintahaa pyaar ki
Magar saadi si kahaani
Na ruthane ki, na rukne ki
Ikraar se baagi si kahaani

Aise ghadiyon mein ishq
Wohi puraana dost bankar paas baith gaya hai
Aur marine drive pe thehri ghadiyonka
Ek pal ab sorted lag raha hai

Stop Talking Already :P

5/29, 02:15] kalpak bhave: So I met this girl Tanvi, she's older to us, at Amatya's recent Mati play
[5/29, 02:15] kalpak bhave: And like you know, some people just click with me
[5/29, 02:16] kalpak bhave: And I had done away the story
[5/29, 02:16] kalpak bhave: But I told her the story
[5/29, 02:16] kalpak bhave: And then a week later I met her today
[5/29, 02:16] kalpak bhave: And we sat for hours
[5/29, 02:16] kalpak bhave: Talking about love and stuff
[5/29, 02:16] kalpak bhave: And dude, the play
[5/29, 02:17] kalpak bhave: It is in working again
[5/29, 02:17] kalpak bhave: She's brought so many brilliant things to it
[5/29, 02:19] kalpak bhave: Like a day and I'm already like shit this is happening
[5/29, 02:20] kalpak bhave: And I went to Ghatkopar to meet her today
[5/29, 02:20] kalpak bhave: And then I met Kuldeep and Sharvee and Smit for a while and then Tanvi and I went away right?
[5/29, 02:21] kalpak bhave: And have I ever told you about Kuldeep?
[5/29, 02:21] kalpak bhave: So Kuldeep joined the drama team after I left, and he kinda slid into my spot
[5/29, 02:21] kalpak bhave: But every time I come back, it's Kuldeep who makes me feel at home and loved and so
[5/29, 02:23] kalpak bhave: And today at around 12 in the night after McD closed down we walked to Kuldeep's place again and met him. They smoked and I had boost at a local cycle guy (okay and one cigeratte) and then we talked some more and eventually we walked Tanvi homr
[5/29, 02:23] kalpak bhave: But Kuldeep and I hung around talking (different kinds of talk of course, different course)
[5/29, 02:24] kalpak bhave: Then I left after an hour or so
[5/29, 02:24] kalpak bhave: And dude I love Ghatkopar dude! I intend to keep going back now, I had only gone there for the third time ever but it's so beautiful
[5/29, 02:24] kalpak bhave: But mainly these people
[5/29, 02:24] kalpak bhave: I feel good
[5/29, 02:25] kalpak bhave: Now I'm home and watching Anupama Chopra's web show so happy

Entertaining Influences: Dil Chahta Hai

"It's a film about love, not Friendship.",  enlightened Director says a few weeks ago "It's a film about three friends finding Love." I am dumbstruck.

Dil Chahta Hai. It's been almost fourteen years since I first saw the film. And since then, I've never left it behind. On a pirated CD, then a two-disk set, a downloaded torrent file, then in BluRay.

As a kid, my favorite part was Aamir Khan's story. The scene on the roller coaster, the fight in the graduation party, the creepy guy on the subway. Which kid wouldn't love it.

Growing up, I started loving Saif Ali's hilarious escapades with his girlfriends. The 'Magar woh, Suno toh, Tumne toh, Lekin main?', the slaps, and Pooja's boyfriend Subodh. I don't remember ever liking Saif Ali Khan and Sonali Kulkarni as much ever after after that.

The friendship part of it has been indispensable the whole time too. And then comes, Akshayye Khanna. 'Sid.'
Sid, calm, composed, keeps his worries to himself and silently bears the harsh brunts of being too mature for his own good. Sid comes off the worst in this quest for love and the film climaxes on him saying goodbye. BORING. I always jumped ahead when his part in the movie came up.

Fourteen years, innumerable views and countless praises later, as I watch it for the first time in a long time, when it is Sid, who's story leaves me overwhelmed, it's time to figure out that somewhere with this movie, I have grown up.

Crappy

So just btw, this poem has literally nothing to do with any sort of heartbreak I went through. Literally nothing. I wouldn't lie if it it did.
Here:

I lived in a world called happy
You were there too, for infinite time
I left for selfishness went out of vogue
I left that happy in it's prime

My castle of cards crumbled
Your mistakes got you left behind
You're still happy in your world
I'm the one wishing I could rewind

We'll laugh and cry in different worlds
I live in a different kind of happy
We smile at each other's plight
And cry at our own ones, crappy.

The Lost Gods

I had a God
Now I have empty conversations
He's still there
Under piles of reluctance and unfortunate accusations

I'd share dreams
And ideas and germs that could turn into might
I'd block expectations
And yet there was a belief; that he could only do right

A pack of cards on thin ice
I'm treading lightly, God probably thinks all's okay
At the tip of the iceberg sure,
But right below, faith has started on it's own decay

God still wants to be there
It's my love, my religion that's fraud
For I thought stones were humans
And humans, deities. I thought I had a God.

Little Things

"Dinner Thai gyu mummy. Hu HIMYM jova jaav chu"
"Su che aa roj roj nu. Kone kidhu jovaa?"
"Kalpak"
(In her mind) "Malva de aa chokro"

Lies

I don't understand people hunting for a painless way to die.
If you're still worried about the pain, isn't your suicide a lie?

Darker Nights

Empty evenings in the park
You leave your bench, it's getting dark
Drag yourself back to your place
Sore feet and a sour face
The thing about such a sunny day
You know it's never here to stay
The park closes at sunset too
And leaves behind an orphaned you

Streetlamps never seem to be good light
You walk on wishing t'was a darker night..

Your house's alit with a dingy gray
Like somebody's left it this way
Loneliness smells and angst reeks
No one's been home for quite some weeks
The thing about such an emply place
You know it's never just a phase
The power goes at the same time too
And leaves behind an orphaned you

You're too tired to put up a decent fight
You sit down wishing t'was a darker night..

Just as it starts to look like it rained
Your phone rings; it's an old old friend
He wants to chill, and grab some beer
You aren't only lost soul here
The thing about a lonely day
Is that it can go away
Of course it will come back too
And there will be a more orphaned you

But while it's gone, you have an appetite
And maybe it's less of a darkened night..