Grave Realizations: Imperfect Friendships

Recently, I’ve been undergoing through some Grave Realizations once again. This time however, these realizations are perfectly valid and dryly humorous. This time around, the realizations are gravely about me.

We all make friends. I don’t believe there is a single a person in the world that is friendless, though we all feel like that once in a while. I have been lucky enough in life to gather some of the nicest friendships. Question is, what happens to them later? Later, when you no longer meet every day, barely chat on the internet and get other, maybe better friends? I often am proud of myself for so many friends that I have gathered, and maintained as well, but am I fooling myself?

I always have this idea, that every friendship comes with an expiry date. Friends hurt you and then they apologize, but mainly, either you are no longer interested in that friendship or they aren’t. It is sad. There have a few times when I have grieved over the people that left after the friendship was done. And grieved over the friendships, because they were done too. But recently, when my life has been long enough to look back at it, I have turned around many a times and can see myself turning away from so many people, because I was done with them as well. It’s not like I have done it on purpose (even though I advocate selfishness so many times) but I haven’t done it by mistake either. But I have been pretty guilt-free about it, until now. It’s now that I look back, that I get goosebumps. Because I have moved on from so many friendships, that I have forgotten a majority of them. All of these people have left an impact on my life, an impact by which I am much more wise and happier than I was, and the impact still lasts, but the people don’t.

These people, I am certain I valued them quite a lot at that point of my life, or even called them my best friends until recently. But the thought that I don’t even remember their faces or their names now, scares me. When I first thought of this, I was shaken to core. Right now, I am rejoicing in the happiness of one of my very close friends, and I have been in a good mood because of it all day. But that friend is very much a part of my present. It’s the thought of the friends of past that scare me so much. I have idea where exactly they might be at this point, or what condition they must be in. Will they have forgotten me, like I forgot them? Or will they be regretting making friends with a person who just walks away from friendships? Or will they have grown up enough to see that everyone does it? Or doesn't everyone?

So many questions. And no answers. When there aren’t answers for the questions that bother you, the questions just become rhetorical. You face bigger problems or greater joys, and then who sits to answer rhetorical questions? You move on from the questions as well. And you call this growing up.

You wonder what kind of a person you’re growing into. Or if you are just growing up to be a sensibly mature guy. Boy, growing up is hard to do.